Sunday, December 11, 2011

The End and The Beginning Wrapped Up In One

So this is it. I couldn't tell you how many times I have actaully said that to myself and always seem to change my mind. I use to tell myself if I just gave it time or change who I am that maybe we would have a chance. We were so young and so in love, everything about our lives for a short while was like a dream but with like all dream you wake up. What i was awaken to was a life unfamiliar....When did it become that way and why was I living this dream when clearly his had a different outcome? I go over and over it in my head, months and years of life that I did everything right, and I am not saying to make myself sound better it simply is the truth. When something like this happens to a person, they make excuse, and find reason for the others behavior and worse of all blame them self. I have found myself doing all of the above but underneath it all, these problem are his, these decision are his and I will no longer let his choices and lack of life effect our children and myself. This once fairy tale life I thought I had is know a big question mark, all the memorable moments are tainted with the thought of other women in the back of his mind. So many people will give you advice on what and what not to do but there is no right way, no right words. Even now I question my decision and action through out the past 6 months. I gave it everything I had and even more then I had, stayed for what it seem like an eternity and endure torture and pain I wish not even on the naive girl that believes that her and him actually have a chance at something real. As crazy as it sounds, I am thankful for all the events leading up to this. I feel like a child again, God has given me the strengths and understanding to realize that I have no control over this life. It is not mine but his, and what he has planned for the future for this Lil Reynolds Family is so much bigger and better then I could ever imagine. Just the thought of what I know will happen, it just gets better from here. I will complete school and be successful, my precious boys will be running around like normal learning and experiencing life better then before because nothing will hold us down any longer. I think the hardest part of all this is just erasing that dream, the plan I had from the beginning, but plans change and so do people. At this moment the idea of a relationship make me cringe, I have buried who I was and become something different. My mission for the New Years, found Vanessa. I will breathe the fresh air and enjoy everything life has to offer. And one day, sooner or later there will be that one person. I will be his world, his breathe.

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